Teresa of Avila says, “Christ has no body now but yours, no feet on earth but yours. Yours are the eyes through which He looks with compassion on this world. Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good. (LOL, God has a sense of humor!) Yours are the hands through which He blesses all the worlds. Yours are the hands, yours are the feet, yours are the eyes, you are His body. Christ has no body now on earth but yours. I am the body of Christ, I am His vessel, made in His image, and according to the lyrics of a song I love, He says, “You’re mine, I smiled when I made you, I find you beautiful in every way…”. I know God made me on purpose, for a purpose and I pray I make God smile.
I am a living, breathing vessel, created in God’s image. While I am made perfect in Christ, I am human, I am sinful, and I am broken. Not just broken in sin, but my physical form limits me in how I serve. I will try to keep this short. Nearly ten years ago I started experiencing pain in both feet. Due to genetically high arches, I had developed bone spurs on the tops of my feet. The bone spurs on the right were surgically removed twice, only to return. My doctors determined that to fix the problem, my arches needed to be lowered. I had two major surgeries withing one year. My left foot faired ok but my right one didn’t want to cooperate. Fast forward to today, I have had a total of about 8-9 surgeries, on the right foot alone. (Including one botched by a local doctor, leaving me in more pain than before). Imagine my frustration and anger finding out that doctor did the surgery incorrectly. Then more frustration and physical pain I underwent with yet another surgery to repair the mistake. I suffer with chronic pain every day. It is constant, unrelenting pain caused by several conditions including neuropathy, osteoarthritis, what I call mechanical pain and a condition called complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS). On the McGill Pain Index, a scale of rating pain from 0, the least amount through 50, the highest rating of pain a human can experience. To put it in perspective, phantom limb pain rates at 25, unprepared childbirth rates a 26 on the scale, amputation rates at 41, and CRPS rates as a 42 out of 50. While my pain isn’t that high all the time, I do take multiple Rx meds, including opioids to help keep my pain at tolerable levels as there is no complete relief for me. I have had two different spinal cord stimulators implanted with hopes of relief, the first of which was not properly secured, rendering it useless. Again, another botched surgery. I have paid out of pocket for stem cell therapy, been through multiple rounds of physical therapy, laser therapy, ketamine infusions, taken a numerous variety of medications, and just a few weeks ago, I had a trial (injection) for another implant that may prove to provide some relief. Honestly, I’ve been through so much and I am so tired, frustrated, and sometimes even angry, to the point I am even considering amputation. I know it sounds extreme, but I have witnessed a friend lose both feet in combat. He has recovered and now has two prosthetics that allow him to be more active than I am.
Despite all I have been through and continue to struggle with, I am so blessed because God has called me and continues to call me to serve. I have served and do serve in many different roles:
art teacher
librarian
teaching assistant
cafeteria manager
police dispatcher (twice)
volunteer EMT, (SGT)
executive assistant
(certified) peer minister
Lector
eucharistic minister
(certified) spiritual director
and
guardian ad litem.
And that doesn’t even include my God given gift of creativity and my role as a wife and mother, the role I felt God’s calling to from a very young age. I have always served out of a physical desire. It is through my service that God my Potter, has molded, shaped, and refined this broken vessel.
Looking back to not so long ago, I was a shapeshifter, molding myself to fit the wants and needs of others. I was the “yes” woman, doing whatever I could to please those around me. I was wearing myself out saying “yes” to everyone to prove I was a team player. I was allowing others to walk all over me and take advantage of my willingness and desire to serve. But I was left feeling exhausted, empty, and broken. The good news is the brokenness and cracks are places where the light gets in (and out). Places that my God has filled with gold. Today, I don’t serve to fulfill someone else’s expectation or definition of who I am, but I serve as my authentic self, molded by the merciful and capable hands of the great Potter. In God’s hands I know saying “no” is serving… serving myself, because I cannot serve or receive with clinched fists.
Living authentically requires open hands, an open heart, risk-taking, vulnerability, and work, but living as my authentic self is incredibly freeing and satisfying. I can’t tell you it’s always easy, but I can tell you, for me it is absolutely worth every minute of risk, vulnerability, and pain. I am intentional about how and when I serve because I have learned the importance of refilling my vessel.
I replenish by honoring my own need and desire for solitude and quiet time, to be present with God. I am intentional about who I spend time with, as I need to be surrounded with positive people. That’s not to say that it’s all sunshine and roses with them, but unnecessary daily drama and bitterness don’t pervade our relationships. I struggle and they struggle, but we share a mutual hope that comes from our individual relationships and spiritual walks with God. I am also fueled through my gift of creativity. It is a tremendous part of who I am and how I express myself. For me, creativity is a form of meditation. When I create, I pour myself out onto the paper through the paint brush and creative hands of the great Artist. Several times I have considered putting my heARTwork on Etsy but have realized that selling my artwork is a business, and in business I am forced to assign a price to and negotiate a part of myself. I’d much rather give my artwork away and experience how my gift impacts others. I refill my vessel in this way as I honor my authentic self, who God created me to be, and in turn my light burns brighter.
Not long after I joined my current parish, (a little over four years ago) I underwent a couple of major foot surgeries in a fairly short period of time. I spent weeks, even months in a cast, on crutches or in a wheelchair. To this day I still walk with a limp most of the time. For most of those 4 years I have struggled (and still do) with feeling more known by how my vessel appears from an outside perspective, rather than being seen for who I truly am. I know in my heart many people comment from a place within their own heart, maybe out of the awkwardness of not knowing what to say, but it often leaves me feeling invisible. Feeling my light is being hid under a bushel, only not by me. I want others to see me for who I am and for the light I am in Christ, not who I appear to be externally, from looking at my physical brokenness.
I live with chronic pain and serve despite it. I find joy in and through the pain because I serve as the hands, feet, eyes, and body of Christ. God sends me out into the world, every day as the beautifully broken and greatly cherished vessel that I am.
Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus – a sign that you have come so
close to Him that He can kiss you. ~Mother Teresa
Are you experiencing pain and suffering? How can I pray for you? Please share in the comments.
❤️ Kimberly
the heART of Kimmy 