Living with chronic pain, well, I certainly wish I wasn’t. It is exhausting in more than one sense of the word. Truth be told, if I said what I feel like saying with the words I feel like using, there would be a lot of visible “bleeps” and censored type. But those are not words I use and it would go against my authentic self to speak that way, in verbal or written language.
A glimpse of what I’ve been through…
The feelings I share come from the frustration, anger, and discouragement that followed my pain management appointment last week. I was seen by an NP and shared about how I’m living in the upper half of the pain scale on a regular basis with no relief. I even shared my consideration of amputation. That’s how bad the pain is most of the time and I feel that should speak loud and clear about where I am in this journey.
What I left with was a recommendation to use topical treatments, do yoga, and an Rx for a strong, once daily dose, of what I understand is Ibuprofen. There was even mention of seeking an Rx for marijuana. Ummm, NO!!! Be it the truth or not, what I walked away with is, “Ok, we sold you the implant, it’s in, we’ve got our money, sorry you’re still in pain but there’s nothing else we can do for you.”
I have another follow up appointment with my doctor in early December. I’ll see what his response is and that will help me determine the next best step. Regardless, I feel compelled to move forward with a second and even third opinion in regards to my foot and my pain. So now what? That’s a rhetorical question.
I am angry, frustrated, and discouraged but not without hope. Here is what I know. God is bigger! He is bigger than my feelings and my pain, and HE knows the big picture. I refuse to let pain win and I refuse to wallow in my pain. Even as I say, “I refuse”, I feel content in my heart because I know and believe that God is working for good, for me, because HE loves me and I am HIS!
There’s so much good going on in my heart and in my spiritual journey that I wouldn’t be following God’s call to share my heART if I didnt’ share the good with you too. Besides, I promised to in my last post! ; )
I’ll try to make this a short story instead of a novel ; ) Way back, when I met my husband Paul (here in FL), in 1992, he invited me to an Alpha Peer Ministry retreat that October. It was my first exposure to the Catholic faith and doctrine and I fell in love. I met some amazing people, learned so much, and left feeling high on life. I finished the retreat that weekend and went on to help facilitate many future retreats. It was because of Alpha, that I learned about another program called Audire*. I didn’t know a great deal about it at the time, but the people I met that had been through the Audire program had something I wanted. They all seemed to have a deep and very real, intimate relationship with God and a seeming wisdom in how to engage others in their own journey with God. At the time I thought I had a pretty good relationship with God yet had such a desire to deepen that relationship and to somehow help others do the same. Know what God said to me? “Wait!” That wait lasted for a long time. The waiting lasted through the start of our family, many moves, including two back and forth between FL and VA, a couple of deployments, many joys and struggles of my life, and it even lasted into the young adult years of my children.
Fast forward to July of 2018, after 15 years in the northern Virginia area, Paul, myself, and our middle child made the move back to Florida to be closer to family and slow down a little bit. We joined a parish close to home and in about February of this year, I came across an ad in our bulletin about Audire. I knew the “wait” was over. God was calling me to something bigger. I jumped in head first, attended a sneak peek, and could hardly wait to get home that day to register. I could not contain my excitement for the beginning of my Audire journey. I knew over 20 years ago this was something I wanted and knowing God now was giving me the green light, my heart was overflowing with joy and excitement. My first day of the program started this September. I recall feeling at home. It just fit. It fit perfectly into the desire in my heart and for what I recognize is God’s call. I just didn’t know then what I know now.
I know and believe with all of my heart that God has a specific, beautiful, and amazing path for me and for you. I have faith and believe this is God’s work and I am simply following His lead, being obedient to His call, and I’m exactly where he wants me to be. What I didn’t know (and I could write a book about that, LOL!) was that EVERYTHING I have been through over the past 20+ years would bring me to this moment. That this moment would be much sweeter because I was obedient to God’s “wait” time. In just two months time, I feel God’s great plan at work. I truly feel like the clay in His hands, as He is shaping and molding me for the next part of life as His disciple.
Living with chronic pain, I certainly wish I wasn’t. It is exhausting in more than one sense of the word. Truth is though, GOD is good, all the time. My circumstances, my healing, my anger, nor my frustration and discouragement are beyond God’s power and reach. He is not confined to this moment and because of His love, grace, mercy, and his amazing plans, neither am I…
I don’t know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. My heavenly Father has my life in His hands and I trust Him implicitly. He is the tour guide of my life, the director, and producer. Nothing is left unfinished by God.
I really wanted to share some art work, but I feel what I have to say needs to be said and not put on hold. Besides, this is a piece of my heART-work, so it counts and I pray you enjoy. This is a “berakah” (Hebrew for blessing). It is my prayer in the form of a poem. I understand that these blessings/prayers are typically much shorter, but I started writing and stopped when I felt my prayer was finished.
Living with chronic pain, I certainly wish I wasn’t. But if it weren’t for my journey through chronic pain, I feel I would be missing out on all the beauty and joy of this amazing spiritual path God has led me to.
Father, Thy will be done in my life, in all aspects of my life – be it spiritual, physical, emotional. In my thoughts and words, and especially in my actions. God please comfort all who suffer and allow me the privilege of sharing in the suffering of your Son, Jesus. For your glory. AmenA prayer from theheARTofKimmy 9 Nov 2019
Peace & Blessings,
- For information about the Audire program, just follow this link. https://audirespiritualdirection.org/