Pudges & God Nudges

Do you get nudges from God? I do, in fact, I got one a couple of days ago. This particular nudge hit me like an NFL defensive lineman. Don’t get too excited, outside of naming a few positions, understanding the basics of the game, and cheering on my favorite SEC team, I don’t claim to speak football. I just needed that reference to make a point about how clearly I sensed God speaking to me that day, nudging me to share this part of my story.

The same day I felt God nudging me, this showed up on my FB feed…

Today I asked my body what she needed,

Which is a big deal

Considering my journey of

Not Really Asking That Much.

I thought she might need more water.

Or protein.

Or greens.

Or yoga.

Or supplements.

Or movement.

But as I stood in the shower

Reflecting on her stretch marks,

Her roundness where I would like flatness,

Her softness where I would like firmness,

All those conditioned wishes

That form a bundle of

Never-Quite-Right-Ness,

She whispered very gently:

Could you just love me like this?

✍️Wise and beautiful words by Hollie Holden

🧶 Incredible crochet art by Yulia Ustinova

The question at the end, “Could you just love me like this?” hit me hard, and feeling somewhat ashamed, I responded a very clear and confident “No!” My truth in that moment affirmed for me that sharing was a must. This is so difficult and I am resistant to share, yet I simply cannot, nor do I want to ignore God’s prompting.

First and foremost, I am a child of God. From a physical perspective, I am six feet tall, blondish hair, blue-green eyes, and a decent smile. There are many things about myself that I would like to change. Lately, it’s about the numbers, specifically, the number on the scale. It has fluctuated over the years within about an eight pound range. I know it’s just a number and even with that being said, it is very hard to absorb and accept that number on the scale as just a number. The real truth is, is that number does NOT, nor should it define me.

If you know me at all, even for a short time, I suspect you know of my chronic pain and physical limitations and how they have impacted my life. My attitude regarding my pain isn’t always a positive one and yet I have grown to greatly appreciate the vessel pain has become and the journey it has carried me through.

The physical pain, while challenging, seems minimal when held against the mental and emotional struggle regarding my distorted body image. I feel the best way to share this part of my story is to share the letter I wrote to my former primary care physician.

Dear Dr. _________,                                                                                      04.23.24

I am writing to you anonymously as a former patient who has not been under your care for some time now. When I first began attending your practice, I felt a sense of comfort in your compassionate approach to medicine. However, my experience as your patient took a distressing turn.

Over time, I noticed a shift in our interactions. Initially, our conversations revolved around my overall health and well-being. However, I began to feel targeted by derogatory comments regarding my weight. These passive-aggressive remarks became a regular part of each appointment, were deeply hurtful and left a lasting, negative impact on me.

I understand that as a physician, there is likely a sense of duty to address health concerns with your patients. However, the way these comments were delivered lacked empathy and understanding and came across as intentional. There were no inquiries into potential personal struggles or underlying factors contributing to any weight changes, nor were there offers of assistance or guidance in managing my weight in a healthy manner. Instead, the focus seemed to be solely on the number on the scale. It was the inconsistency in your approach that added to my distress. When I managed to lose weight, there was no acknowledgment from you. It was only after I mentioned it myself that the loss was acknowledged. 

Upon further investigation and what troubled me even more was, I discovered other patients of yours who also experience weight control issues, however, their experiences differed in that you offered them understanding and support, providing them with resources and recommendations for managing their weight in a healthy manner. The inconsistency in your behavior only added to the emotional turmoil I experienced during my visits.

As someone who struggles with chronic pain and physical disabilities, the additional burden of your negative comments proved overwhelming. It was disheartening to receive such treatment from someone I had trusted with my overall health and well-being.

I am currently in therapy to address the emotional damage caused by these experiences. It is my hope that by bringing this matter to your attention, you will reconsider your approach to discussing weight with your patients. Body shaming and derogatory comments have no place in a healthcare setting and can have (and proved to have for me) lasting effects on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being.

I urge you to reflect on the impact of your words and consider adopting a more compassionate and supportive approach to addressing weight-related concerns with your patients. Our health is not solely determined by the number on the scale, and it is crucial that healthcare providers recognize and respect the complexities of each person’s individual journey.

Anonymous

Through a great deal internal mental and emotional hard work, discussions with people close to me, and with the help of my therapist, I have discovered and recognize other factors that have contributed to my body image issues. Many of them are related to bigger picture, personal experiences and mindset over the last few years. I don’t believe that my mental/emotional struggles are my “fault”, I do however, believe in the importance of seeking help and putting in the hard work to move forward as a healthier, better version of myself.

I suppose progress for me through this reveals itself in different ways. Of course there’s the physical aspect, the mental/emotional aspect, and even more important for me, the spiritual aspect. I know in my heart that my body is a temple and that I am, and we are…

…God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10

A part of my progress has been its own journey, as the idea of shopping for, much less wearing a swimsuit, was (or is) anything but attractive or exciting. I have looked at many suits and cringed at the idea of actually trying one on. A couple of months ago I dug deep and found the courage to at least try. I knew from past experiences, most retail stores don’t typically carry one piece suits for long torsos and that rang so true with this attempt. I’d like to insert some humorous details from my adventure but I’m still working through the reality of how painful this journey has been. I do believe and know “…that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

Just as I am confident God nudged me to write this post, I am certain God worked for my good in a recent trip to a local thrift store. I enjoy browsing on occasion and on a recent trip to a local shop, I decided (and forced myself) to look through the rack of swim suits. I started with the section where something might work and before I knew it, I was well into those “itsy bitsy, teenie weenie” suits that were neither my style nor my size. It didn’t take long as it was very easy to move right past the “absolutely not” suits. Way down the rack, among the much smaller sizes was a one piece suit, new with tags, a brand I had just researched online the night before, and guess what? It was my size! It was a black/grayscale print that didn’t turn me off and the price (over 75% cheaper than the online price) left me feeling the potential benefits of buying this one, even if just mentally and emotionally, outweighed the risks. I bought it, took it home, and tried it on with a plan in mind a cover-up of course) to join my family (likely my Mom and sister) on a short beach (SMH!) outing in the coming months. The beach is far from my favorite place, in fact it is the opposite. I just cannot afford to go to the place that feeds my soul, just to wear my new swimsuit in public, LOL!

I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to have the confidence to sincerely not care what anyone else thinks, and just enjoy the moment (even if it is at the beach). I don’t know if I will get to that place where it concerns my physical self, but slow progress is still progress. I’m doing the work, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, I bought the swimsuit, have plans (and those to hold me accountable), I take care of my mental, emotional, and spiritual needs, and I have so much to be grateful for.

This part of my story is incredibly difficult and admittedly a bit embarrassing to share. I have always been very modest minded and just talking about my body is uncomfortable…but nothing ever changes if nothing ever changes!

My hope and prayer is that through sharing my story, maybe you, or at least one other person will be encouraged, empowered, and maybe even blessed.

From my heart to yours,

Kimberly